Bad News Gets Worse...

Well, we had our second appointment yesterday to check everything out with the baby. At this time according to my last period, I should be 11 weeks. When they took measurements of the baby, it is only measuring 6 weeks 6 days. At this point in time regardless, there should be a visible heartbeat and there still is not. To make absolute certain the baby is going to be a loss, I go in AGAIN next week to a radiologist to have everything checked out once more. If there is still no heart beat I will have to decide what form of "miscarriage" I would like to have.

This has been the hardest, most difficult time in my life. I just don't understand why God would give someone the joy of a baby, and almost 3 months later decide maybe it wasn't the best idea and take it away. I know that right now is the worst time to get angry with God, but I just don't understand... there are hundreds of girls out there getting pregnant at 15/16 years old who should not have a baby, yet they get pregnant and are able to go full term with a healthy baby. Or what about the people who decide to have an abortion... WHY?!? Why would God give them a baby, knowing that they would decide to just throw it away. I feel like I have had my fair share or hard times throughout life, probably more than most, so why me? If God knew me and my desires he would know that a baby is the only desire I have. At this point I have to just keep praying for peace, and to know that for some reason this IS God's will and he has a plan for Kevin and I, no matter how hard it may be to see right now.

This is heartbreaking news to Kevin and I, and I can't imagine how our families are going to take it. I already know my mom is extremely torn up by this, and now we get to experience the joy of turning around and telling all of our family/friends/and facebook that we will no longer be having a baby. Now I completely understand why people wait until they are out of their first trimester to tell anyone... although by the time I find out for certain what is going on I will be in my last week of my first trimester, so I guess "week 12" isn't always the safe point. I feel like I have every emotion running through my mind and body...sadness, anger, confusion, jealousy, pity, numbness, and emptiness.