What I am learning more and more is that you can't expect most people to have any sort of "real" pity or understanding of what it is that you may be going through. There are the select few family members and truly great friends who will actually keep you in their thoughts and prayers, but for the most part people say they are sorry for what it is that you are going through, but are still more consumed with what is going on in their own lives. Not that I expect every person I know to drop everything they are doing to worry about how I am doing (especially since the last thing I want is pity), but it would be nice for people to be a little more caring while dealing with this situation. This is probably one of the hardest things I will go through considering how badly I want to start a family. Unless you have had a miscarriage, there is no way to feel the pain that Kevin and I have gone through. Yes, I have tried to move on and to be strong and it gets a little easier each day, but it still hits hard when it does.
I haven't cried since I had this surgery. I don't know if its because it hasn't really hit me yet, or if it's because I have already had time to mourn over the loss of this baby. I honestly think it is a mix of the two. I know I do feel numb to what is going on, but at the same time I have had 3 weeks to prepare myself for this loss. I knew going into this surgery that I had already lost my baby, and this was more of a way for me to get back to "normal". I know that in reality, Kevin and I wont be able to try again until he gets back from A-School ( in March), so this will be a tough couple of months. I can't imagine what it will be like when April rolls around and we still don't have a baby. I just keep praying that God will give us our baby when it is the perfect time. In the mean time we will be working to prepare ourselves not only financially, but spiritually as well since we know we want to raise our family in a strong christian home. I will also be working to continue my weight loss journey, and hope to get to my ideal, healthy weight before having to carry a baby.
On top of all of this, we have been extremely busy packing and getting ready for our move. We will be trying to load as much as possible into our storage unit this coming Sunday, so we have about 3 days left to try and get everything into boxes. I'm very OCD when it comes to stuff like this, so my packing is very precise and organized, and a little more time consuming (but it pays off in the end!). I am also looking forward to having everything packed so that I can then focus on getting the house clean, and finally having the time to read "Breaking Dawn", which is the last book in the Twilight series.
One of my favorite lines from a song is this... "Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride". I am having to take each day as it comes, some are easy and some are hard, but they are each a new day. Life must go on, and I wont let this get the best of me. I have been blessed with an amazing support system and I can't wait to get back to Texas to be with all of them.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Surgery
Well, it has been approximately 24 hours since I was released from the hospital yesterday. For some this may be to graphic, but I feel I must write exactly what is going on in case I ever need to recall this information at some point in the future.
As I stated in my last post, I had my D&C yesterday at 3:30 pm. When I got off the phone yesterday morning at 9:30 I think I was almost relieved to know that soon my body would be getting back to normal. Nearly an hour later my body began to let go of the baby, and I start to have some light bleeding. According to what the baby measured (6 weeks 6 days), this would have been about 5 weeks 3 days later. It is weird to think that it took my body that long to finally start "releasing" this baby. As the day progressed, so did the bleeding and cramping. When I finally got to the hospital, I was taken into the OR and they began prepping me immediately. I have never had any sort of experience in a hospital so I was scared out of my mind, and they made Kevin wait in the waiting room for the majority of the time. They had me change my clothes, fill out paper work, took my vitals, and gave me an IV. I was extremely blessed with a wonderful tech and nurses who did help keep me calm and made me laugh. Kevin was finally able to come in and visit for about 15 minutes before I was taken into surgery. Right before the wheeled me out they put a sedative into my IV, which hit me FAST! I remember getting wheeled into the operating room, moving onto the table, and talking to the anetheologist about why they put my arms onto these little side tables with restraints. The last thing I remember is him saying "wow, you have some serious double jointed arms!" and my response was "well I broke that one, so that's why is so screwed up!" and then I was out. Next thing I know I am getting woken up in recovery. I had to wait there for about an hour, and then I was able to change back into my clothes and head home. I did have very heavy bleeding for about an hour after the surgery, and then it became much lighter and has stayed that way today. I also had horrible cramps all through the night and this morning, but for the most part I have been pain free.
Kevin was awesome through all of this. When he was able to come in and finally sit with me he made sure to keep my mind off of everything and make me laugh. Poor guy had to spend hours in a waiting room and yet he made the best out of everything. We went and had dinner at Chili's once I was released (since I hadn't been able to eat all day!!) and then came home and watched "The Biggest Loser" and "90210". It still amazes me how blessed I am to have such a wonderful husband.
As I stated in my last post, I had my D&C yesterday at 3:30 pm. When I got off the phone yesterday morning at 9:30 I think I was almost relieved to know that soon my body would be getting back to normal. Nearly an hour later my body began to let go of the baby, and I start to have some light bleeding. According to what the baby measured (6 weeks 6 days), this would have been about 5 weeks 3 days later. It is weird to think that it took my body that long to finally start "releasing" this baby. As the day progressed, so did the bleeding and cramping. When I finally got to the hospital, I was taken into the OR and they began prepping me immediately. I have never had any sort of experience in a hospital so I was scared out of my mind, and they made Kevin wait in the waiting room for the majority of the time. They had me change my clothes, fill out paper work, took my vitals, and gave me an IV. I was extremely blessed with a wonderful tech and nurses who did help keep me calm and made me laugh. Kevin was finally able to come in and visit for about 15 minutes before I was taken into surgery. Right before the wheeled me out they put a sedative into my IV, which hit me FAST! I remember getting wheeled into the operating room, moving onto the table, and talking to the anetheologist about why they put my arms onto these little side tables with restraints. The last thing I remember is him saying "wow, you have some serious double jointed arms!" and my response was "well I broke that one, so that's why is so screwed up!" and then I was out. Next thing I know I am getting woken up in recovery. I had to wait there for about an hour, and then I was able to change back into my clothes and head home. I did have very heavy bleeding for about an hour after the surgery, and then it became much lighter and has stayed that way today. I also had horrible cramps all through the night and this morning, but for the most part I have been pain free.
Kevin was awesome through all of this. When he was able to come in and finally sit with me he made sure to keep my mind off of everything and make me laugh. Poor guy had to spend hours in a waiting room and yet he made the best out of everything. We went and had dinner at Chili's once I was released (since I hadn't been able to eat all day!!) and then came home and watched "The Biggest Loser" and "90210". It still amazes me how blessed I am to have such a wonderful husband.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
It's Time...
As time has slowly drifted by since that very first doctors appointment which brought sadness to our hearts (September 9th) I have grown more and more frustrated with my ob/gyn. It seems like this entire process has taken forever, and the more I think about it the harder it is to comprehend what is exactly going on with my body, and therefore I want this to all just be over with. I have still not spoken with my doctor since my radiologist appointment which was last Thursday. Instead of calling me himself he continues to have the RN call me, but she has yet to give me the results either. All I have been told is that the baby is a loss, nothing else. So since last Thursday I have been trying to get a hold of my doctor to schedule my appointment to havemy DNC done. It was not until this morning that I finally got some answers.
I will be having my mini surgery today at 3:30 pm. Kevin and I must arrive at the hospital at 1:30, and the procedure shouldn't last more than about 30 minutes. After asking a friend who has gone through this in the past I found out that I will be hooked up to an IV (hopefully explaining why I have to be there 2 hours early) and will be lightly sedated. I can't eat or drink anything all day until all of this is overwith.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am absolutely terrified of docotrs so this whole experience has been difficult, but now that I am about to have to go spend me entire day in the hospital I am beginning to freak out a little bit. A friend of mine from high school (and A&M) has been so helpful through all of this and actually sent me a verse that I have been repeating in my head all day to hopefully help ease all of my tension and worries. For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.Isaiah 41:13 (Thank you Meredith!)
I know that Kevin and I have been on several people's thoughts and in their prayers over the past 3 weeks and we just want to thank everyone for that. I know that I have felt truly blessed and although this is a difficult situation and today is going to be a difficult day, I can honestly say at this point that I do know there is a reason this is happening to us and although we may not know it right now, God will show us soon.
I will be having my mini surgery today at 3:30 pm. Kevin and I must arrive at the hospital at 1:30, and the procedure shouldn't last more than about 30 minutes. After asking a friend who has gone through this in the past I found out that I will be hooked up to an IV (hopefully explaining why I have to be there 2 hours early) and will be lightly sedated. I can't eat or drink anything all day until all of this is overwith.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am absolutely terrified of docotrs so this whole experience has been difficult, but now that I am about to have to go spend me entire day in the hospital I am beginning to freak out a little bit. A friend of mine from high school (and A&M) has been so helpful through all of this and actually sent me a verse that I have been repeating in my head all day to hopefully help ease all of my tension and worries. For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.Isaiah 41:13 (Thank you Meredith!)
I know that Kevin and I have been on several people's thoughts and in their prayers over the past 3 weeks and we just want to thank everyone for that. I know that I have felt truly blessed and although this is a difficult situation and today is going to be a difficult day, I can honestly say at this point that I do know there is a reason this is happening to us and although we may not know it right now, God will show us soon.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Confirmation
Well I had my radiologist appointment yesterday and the results were devastating. It was confirmed that our little baby OC is a loss. At the appointment they did not say much more than to expect a call from my doctor to explain the results and to determine where to go from here. I did receive a call from the RN today, letting me know that my doctor was reviewing my results and would call by Monday morning. He is in the hospital on Tuesdays, so it looks like I will hopefully have my D&C then.
I was shocked at how well I handled all of this news. They wouldn't let Kevin come into the ultrasound room with me so I was very nervous going in there alone. I think I am able to handle this better than what many people expect because I have had nearly 3 weeks to prepare for all of this. I do still have my sad moments every day and I have noticed that I seem to get angry a lot easier than before, but hopefully that is just a part of the craziness my hormones are experiencing. I know that Tuesday is going to be a very hard and sad day, but I am also very ready to move on from here.
I was shocked at how well I handled all of this news. They wouldn't let Kevin come into the ultrasound room with me so I was very nervous going in there alone. I think I am able to handle this better than what many people expect because I have had nearly 3 weeks to prepare for all of this. I do still have my sad moments every day and I have noticed that I seem to get angry a lot easier than before, but hopefully that is just a part of the craziness my hormones are experiencing. I know that Tuesday is going to be a very hard and sad day, but I am also very ready to move on from here.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Inspiration
Here is a link to a story that is truly inspirational...
http://www.zimbio.com/watch/rS5abniyDZL/Biggest+Loser+Abby+Rike+Overcoming+Tragedy/Access+Hollywood
One of my favorite shows is "The Biggest Loser". It is so motivational to me, in the fact that it makes me want to eat better and to work out and to take care of my body. With everything that is going on right now, I feel like more than ever I want to be a couch potato and lay around doing nothing. The season started last Tuesday, but I didn't get the chance to watch the episode until Friday (the 18th). This was the first day that I was feeling better, and I had Kevin home with me which made it easier. I watched this episode, and cried my eyes out. Abby has become my inspiration and has made me realize that even though I feel what I am going through right now is hard, it could be so much worse. This poor woman (who is from Texas also) lost her husband, and her two children in a car accident. She had a 5 year old daughter and a son who was 2 1/2 WEEKS old! I can not imagine the pain she has had to go through... I realize now how much I take for granted and how quick I am to feel sorry for myself. I can honestly say I thank God every day now for my husband and my family. He may have decided it isn't the right time for us to have a baby, but we will one day. I can not fathom losing everyone you love all at once. But she is able to go on living and wants to live a better life, so she has chosen to go on the Biggest Loser and knows that she is meant for something bigger. She will do great things with her life, and I am sure is a huge inspiration to many!
Another story I saw today that broke my heart was on a friend of mine's facebook status. Here is the exact quote... "Plese pray for my sister's friend. Last night, lightning struck her house and this morning she found both of her 2 year old twin boys dead in their sleep. The cause is probably heat stroke from the lightning. These are their 4th children to lose, so the pain has got to be immense. They need all the prayers they can get."
As I am seeing and hearing these stories I am more aware that everyone goes through difficult times, some harder than others. Although the pain of a miscarriage is difficult, I am still able to get up every morning and go on living my life. I now see that God works in mysterious ways and Kevin and I will have our chance of having a baby whenever the time is right. As of now, I am able to see past my hardships and thank God for showing me that my life is not as bad as I can make it out to be. My thoughts and prayers are with the two families above.
I just hope that I can keep this optomistic attitude up after my radiologist appointment on thursday...
God Bless and I hope everyone enjoys their first day of FALL! (The Holiday Season is quickly approaching!!)
http://www.zimbio.com/watch/rS5abniyDZL/Biggest+Loser+Abby+Rike+Overcoming+Tragedy/Access+Hollywood
One of my favorite shows is "The Biggest Loser". It is so motivational to me, in the fact that it makes me want to eat better and to work out and to take care of my body. With everything that is going on right now, I feel like more than ever I want to be a couch potato and lay around doing nothing. The season started last Tuesday, but I didn't get the chance to watch the episode until Friday (the 18th). This was the first day that I was feeling better, and I had Kevin home with me which made it easier. I watched this episode, and cried my eyes out. Abby has become my inspiration and has made me realize that even though I feel what I am going through right now is hard, it could be so much worse. This poor woman (who is from Texas also) lost her husband, and her two children in a car accident. She had a 5 year old daughter and a son who was 2 1/2 WEEKS old! I can not imagine the pain she has had to go through... I realize now how much I take for granted and how quick I am to feel sorry for myself. I can honestly say I thank God every day now for my husband and my family. He may have decided it isn't the right time for us to have a baby, but we will one day. I can not fathom losing everyone you love all at once. But she is able to go on living and wants to live a better life, so she has chosen to go on the Biggest Loser and knows that she is meant for something bigger. She will do great things with her life, and I am sure is a huge inspiration to many!
Another story I saw today that broke my heart was on a friend of mine's facebook status. Here is the exact quote... "Plese pray for my sister's friend. Last night, lightning struck her house and this morning she found both of her 2 year old twin boys dead in their sleep. The cause is probably heat stroke from the lightning. These are their 4th children to lose, so the pain has got to be immense. They need all the prayers they can get."
As I am seeing and hearing these stories I am more aware that everyone goes through difficult times, some harder than others. Although the pain of a miscarriage is difficult, I am still able to get up every morning and go on living my life. I now see that God works in mysterious ways and Kevin and I will have our chance of having a baby whenever the time is right. As of now, I am able to see past my hardships and thank God for showing me that my life is not as bad as I can make it out to be. My thoughts and prayers are with the two families above.
I just hope that I can keep this optomistic attitude up after my radiologist appointment on thursday...
God Bless and I hope everyone enjoys their first day of FALL! (The Holiday Season is quickly approaching!!)
Purpose
As I am slowly but surely starting to feel better with each coming day, I have to thank God for helping me through this. Although I do find myself every once in a while still asking "Why?" I am beginning to see that maybe the reason I am having to go through this is to help strengthen my faith, and to realize it is time to start helping those in need.
I can remember being so active with my church growing up, and with that doing so much to help families in need. I can remember vividly the one Sunday a year the majority of the congregation would gather in the gym to put boxes of food together for families around Thanksgiving. We would then devide them up and deliver them. It made Thanksgiving that much more special, and helped show that we have so much to be thankful for. It helped keep priorities in line, and I can remember crying every year when I saw kids around my age having to live in such difficult conditions. My other favorite activity was at Christmas getting a list of children and the items they would want and need. Our youth group would make a trip to Target and we would each get a child's name and a certain amount of money to spend. We then each got to go through the store and pick out what it was that we wanted to give that child based on what they had requested, and often times it was a few toys and shoes. Once we all purchased our gifts we would go back to the church, wrap them, and then deliver them.
Although these only took place twice a year, and around the holidays, it always touched my heart and made me want to be a part of something bigger. As the holidays are beginning to aproach this year, I am looking forward to finding sothing to volunteer my time with. Kevin and I will be participating in a walk for children with down syndrome along with my close friend Kelli and her mom on October 11th. Although all I am really contributing is a small donation, it is a start. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to let me know.
I can remember being so active with my church growing up, and with that doing so much to help families in need. I can remember vividly the one Sunday a year the majority of the congregation would gather in the gym to put boxes of food together for families around Thanksgiving. We would then devide them up and deliver them. It made Thanksgiving that much more special, and helped show that we have so much to be thankful for. It helped keep priorities in line, and I can remember crying every year when I saw kids around my age having to live in such difficult conditions. My other favorite activity was at Christmas getting a list of children and the items they would want and need. Our youth group would make a trip to Target and we would each get a child's name and a certain amount of money to spend. We then each got to go through the store and pick out what it was that we wanted to give that child based on what they had requested, and often times it was a few toys and shoes. Once we all purchased our gifts we would go back to the church, wrap them, and then deliver them.
Although these only took place twice a year, and around the holidays, it always touched my heart and made me want to be a part of something bigger. As the holidays are beginning to aproach this year, I am looking forward to finding sothing to volunteer my time with. Kevin and I will be participating in a walk for children with down syndrome along with my close friend Kelli and her mom on October 11th. Although all I am really contributing is a small donation, it is a start. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to let me know.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Preperation
Well, the past couple of days have been a roller coaster of emotion. I am feeling less mad (Sorry God!) and slowly more at peace. I know what is coming, and so I am beginning to prepare myself for the emotional and physical hardships. Yesterday Kevin and I went to Walmart with our list of items that we needed. As we walked down the aisle of laundry detergent, we came across the "feminine products". It was then that I realized I had thrown out the remainder of mine when I found out I was pregnant, and I would soon be needing them again. As I placed the box into our basket I found it much easier than what I was expecting. Don't get me wrong, I am sure that when I have my appointment this week with the radiologist and they confirm I will be losing my baby, I will have a melt down. But like I said, I am more at "peace" or at least I have just become numb to the thought of what is happening inside my body. I am to the point where I want this to be over with so I cna try to forget about it and move on and try again.
But for the most part, I have been okay. Saturday was Kevin's 26th birthday! We didn't do anything very exciting, we had lunch at my favorite place (Chili's) and then played with Kevin's birthday present (the AeroSmith Guitar Hero)...boys just never seem to grow up! That night we opted for staying at home and having that time with eachother. We had a movie marathon and fried chicken (Kevin LOVES Popeyes for some reason...) It was a very uneventful day, but Kevin loved it... I think he was trying to avoid the fact that he is getting older! We have been able to live life and laugh. It hasn't been miserable every minute of every day. We are coping with it the best we can, and still looking for the positive in all of this. So far here is our list of positives... (1.) When we do get pregnant again, Kevin will be home for it, and not at school for 4 1/2 months (2.) We wont be moving when I am 9 months pregnant (3.) I will be able to go to Kevin's graduation in California in March (4.) We will have more time to get things paid off, and be a little more "financially" ready (5.)When we do get pregnant with a healthy baby it will make it that much more special (and this is the most positive thought of them all!)
Besides all of our disappointment, there is a very exciting event coming up...We will be moving!! Well actually, Kevin will be going to school in California, and I will be staying with my mom in Texas, but we are getting out of Maryland! YAY!! We will be leaving October 9th, so the countdown has begun (17 more days!) We have our pre move-out inspection on wednesday, so I will be packing and cleaning like crazy the next two days. We will be putting our stuff in a storage unit up here beginning October 1st, so we can do it a little at a time for about a week. It is becoming more and more real that this is going to be happening VERY soon, and it can not come fast enough! With everything that is going on, being close to family and friends is the best thing I could ever wish for. It is going to be really tough being away from Kevin for that long (4 1/2 months!) but he will be able to come home for 2 weeks at Christmas and I am planning on going to visit a few times too. He will be in Petaluma, CA which is about 30 miles north of San Fransico and appears to be very close to Napa Valley and the Redwood Forests. Neither of us have been to CA before, so I know Kevin is extremely excited, and I can't wait to go visit.
So here is the schedule for this week, and I will be posting again soon.
Running around town today, cleaning like crazy tomorrow, pre move-out inspection on wednesday, radiologist on thursday (please keep us in your prayers this day), and rest on friday
But for the most part, I have been okay. Saturday was Kevin's 26th birthday! We didn't do anything very exciting, we had lunch at my favorite place (Chili's) and then played with Kevin's birthday present (the AeroSmith Guitar Hero)...boys just never seem to grow up! That night we opted for staying at home and having that time with eachother. We had a movie marathon and fried chicken (Kevin LOVES Popeyes for some reason...) It was a very uneventful day, but Kevin loved it... I think he was trying to avoid the fact that he is getting older! We have been able to live life and laugh. It hasn't been miserable every minute of every day. We are coping with it the best we can, and still looking for the positive in all of this. So far here is our list of positives... (1.) When we do get pregnant again, Kevin will be home for it, and not at school for 4 1/2 months (2.) We wont be moving when I am 9 months pregnant (3.) I will be able to go to Kevin's graduation in California in March (4.) We will have more time to get things paid off, and be a little more "financially" ready (5.)When we do get pregnant with a healthy baby it will make it that much more special (and this is the most positive thought of them all!)
Besides all of our disappointment, there is a very exciting event coming up...We will be moving!! Well actually, Kevin will be going to school in California, and I will be staying with my mom in Texas, but we are getting out of Maryland! YAY!! We will be leaving October 9th, so the countdown has begun (17 more days!) We have our pre move-out inspection on wednesday, so I will be packing and cleaning like crazy the next two days. We will be putting our stuff in a storage unit up here beginning October 1st, so we can do it a little at a time for about a week. It is becoming more and more real that this is going to be happening VERY soon, and it can not come fast enough! With everything that is going on, being close to family and friends is the best thing I could ever wish for. It is going to be really tough being away from Kevin for that long (4 1/2 months!) but he will be able to come home for 2 weeks at Christmas and I am planning on going to visit a few times too. He will be in Petaluma, CA which is about 30 miles north of San Fransico and appears to be very close to Napa Valley and the Redwood Forests. Neither of us have been to CA before, so I know Kevin is extremely excited, and I can't wait to go visit.
So here is the schedule for this week, and I will be posting again soon.
Running around town today, cleaning like crazy tomorrow, pre move-out inspection on wednesday, radiologist on thursday (please keep us in your prayers this day), and rest on friday
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