Change

I am a person of habit. I need structure and to be honest... I need to be in control. Having a baby pretty much throws all of these things out the window. I have learned that I am no longer in control AT ALL! But that is okay... I have no problem letting Kael take the lead.

Where my problem lays is in change. When he decides to change his routine or schedule. I know babies are meant to throw us through a loop every now and again, but I guess I am spoiled. Kael has always been such a happy and easy baby. For about a week now, he has been waking through the night again, and has been extra cranky. I am assuming he is going through his 3 month go growth spurt, since things are beginning to go back to normal, but let me tell you! I was losing my mind!! Not to mention, he decided to start this nonsense the weekend before I had to go back to work!

And that is the biggest change of all. I was excited about going back to work. It was ideal... working in the infant room, having Kael right there with me all day long. WRONG! My first day back I was told that a parent had already expressed concern about me being in the same room as my child. Because of that, I feel like I can't pick him up, hold him, talk to him, etc. because my every move is being watched. I feel like I am ignoring him and it is killing me! I have come home every day and just held him and cried because I feel like such a horrible mother. I keep thinking it will get easier, but each day it seems to get harder. I feel like I am missing out. I know he wont stay this little for very long, and I just want to cherish every moment of it. By the time we get home from work, I only have 3 hours with him before he is out for the night, and an hour of that is his evening nap (he is still napping every 2-3 hours!).

His night time routine is pure bliss for me. I love giving him his bath and snuggling up and feeding him. I miss getting to breastfeed him. I hate pumping. I feel like every free moment I have, I am pumping to keep up my supply and so that he can have it in a bottle. But it just isn't the same... I love breastfeeding him. That is such a special time between the two of us, and now I am only getting to feed him 2-3 times a day, and it breaks my heart.

I knew being a mom wouldn't be easy... but I didn't know it would be because I love him too much!

2 Months!

Kael ceases to amaze me each and every day. He has grown and changed so much, and has already developed his own little personality. Two months sounds like such a short amount of time, but the changes, development, and bonds that have been formed make it feel as though Kael has been a part of our life for much longer.

Since I have family in town, Kevin getting ready for work, and a baby who is wide awake, I'm going to just cut to the chase.

Kael had his 2 month appointment on June 10th. He weighed in at a whopping 13lbs 10ozs and 24.5 inches long! He is in the 75th percentile for weight and 95th percentile for height! I can't believe what a "tall" baby we have, considering neither Kevin or myself are very tall. He is right on track with his development, and personally I feel like he is slightly advanced (although that is coming from a very proud mother). He got his immunizations at this appointment, which included 3 shots and 1 oral vaccine. It broke me heart to watch his face go from content and clueless to full of pain. His cry and scream made my heart sink into my stomach and all I wanted to do was make everything better.

Now... all about Kael at 2 months:
1.) He is sleeping through the night...every night! Typically he eats at 8pm, is asleep by 8:30pm and wakes up around 6am. This makes for one happy mamma! :)
2.) He has mastered the art of sucking his thumb (and prefers his left one)
3.) He recognizes my voice and will look around the room until he finds me. Once he spots me, he gives me the biggest gummy grin that melts my heart every time!
4.) He is holding his head/neck up during tummy time and is able to push up with his arms to get his chest off the ground as well.
5.) He loves his bumbo chair! He is very content sitting in it and just looking around the room. It is shocking how alert he has become.
6.) He is now grabbing toys that are hanging in front of him, and holding onto them
7.) We are up to size 2 diapers
8.) In Carter's brand clothes, he is wearing 6 months. He can also fit into Circo (Target brand) 9 month onesies!
9.) He is beginning to push with his legs, and I have a feeling we will be pulling out the jump-a-roo/exersaucer in about 2 weeks.
10.) He will start going to work with me on Monday, June 20th! I still can't believe its already time to re-enter the "real" world!

Holy Cow!!

First of all... I just noticed that my "one month old" post for Kael has seemed to have disappeared... or I just never actually posted it. hmmm.... the brain of a new mom! I guess I will go back and see if I can find it somewhere!

But the real reason I'm posting is because I am so proud of my little (ish) man! Today he is 7 weeks old, and I'm proud to say that he has slept through the night for the past 3 nights in a row!! I can't believe it!

Night 1: 9:45-6:45 (9 hours)
Night 2: 9:15-4:15 (7 hours) ate and went right back to sleep 4:30-8:30 (4 hours) total= 11 hrs.
Night 3: 9:30-7:30 (10 hours)

I am in total shock! Mainly because it felt like it came out of nowhere. It wasn't a gradual increase like what I was expecting. He jumped from sleeping 4 hours at a time with the occasional 5 hours stretch, to all night long!

I know that he went through a growth spurt last week, so I'm sure that had something to do with it. I've also read that once they reach 11 pounds their metabolism starts working more effectively and they are able to hold off longer between feedings. 14 pounds seems to be another magic number I have heard, and he is right between the two. Not to mention, he has totally mastered the art of sucking his thumb! I can hear him trying to find it in the middle of the night... sucking on his hand and arm until he finally gets the thumb. I was really hoping he wouldn't be a thumb sucker, but I guess there isn't much I can do about it now (and thankfully he only seems to do it to help himself fall asleep).

Well, Kael and I have a big day tomorrow and I have a lot to take care of so I better stop procrastinating and get to work while he is napping!

Six Weeks

Where is the time going?? It still blows my mind that it has already been six weeks since I met my little man for the first time. I remember thinking that I would never want more children after how horrible my labor/delivery was, but it is surprising how quickly I have forgotten how bad it really was. And I must say... when Kael looks me straight in the eye and gives me a huge smile, it makes any memory of that horrible pain vanish. I mean, just look at him... how could it have not been worth every ounce of pain??
Well, onto our six week updates!

Kael had an appointment to get his shots at 6 weeks, which apparently was a miscommunication of some sort. The nurse practitioner told me to bring him in at 6 weeks, but when we showed up for our appointment, the doctor told us it was too soon, and to come back at 2 months. But to be honest, I don't mind taking him in so often because I love seeing how much he grows! The nurse we had was my least favorite, and didn't tell us any of his length/head measurements, but I was able to see his weight and he is up to 12 pounds 8 ounces!! I can't believe how much he keeps growing, and it slightly breaks my heart each time I see his weight increase another pound. I love his little changes and the personality he is developing, but I miss his tiny body that would curl into a tiny little rolly polly ball while being held.

And shockingly, Kael is going through a growth spurt as we speak! He was doing awesome with his schedule of eat, play, sleep every 2.5-3 hours and sleeping 4.5-5 hours at night. I was thinking we had it pretty easy, and then BAM! He is starving and wants to eat every 1.5 hours, will only take a 20 minute nap, and is getting up every 2-3 hours at night. I have been so worried that he will not get back on his schedule, but we will just have to wait and see!

As for me, I had my 6 week postnatal appointment today. I LOVE my doctor! We talked about how rough the delivery was and how bad my tear was. She really toned it down in the hospital and is actually referring me to a physical therapist for postnatal care! I am completely healed, but because of the extent of the "repair" she thinks I am the perfect candidate for some physical therapy. She made it sound like it would be similar to a personal trainer helping me get back into shape, and showing me that ideal workouts to get my body back to the way it was. I'm actually REALLY excited! I have wanted to start working out again, but just haven't had the energy, or the know how. My body feels like a stranger to me, and I have been rather nervous about just jumping right back into things. This seems like the perfect answer for me! It will make me accountable since I will be meeting with a professional, and I will be learning the best possible work outs for my post baby body! :)

I also had to face the dreaded scale! I am actually only 8 pounds from my prepregnancy weight, and I'm hoping I can get the rest of that off by the time I go back to work. Kevin and I have actually started doing Weight Watchers online program, and both really like it. They have a program for men and for nursing moms, so it meets both of our needs and helps us to support one another. We are both considered "obese" based on our BMI, so we are really trying to get into that "normal" range. Kevin has about 43 pounds to his goal weight, and I have :cough48cough: It is scary to see that large of a number, but I'm actually really excited about finally committing to losing weight. I want to be healthy for Kael, and I want to feel good about myself. I have fought with my weight for some time, and I would LOVE to finally get it under control! On top of weight watchers, I will be starting a program called "couch to 5k". It is a 9 week running program that starts you off very slowly, and builds you up to run 3 miles in a workout.

I guess is has something to do with Alaska, but I feel like my life is finally falling into place. I am proud to say I am officially a Texas A&M graduate, I have a loving husband and perfect son, a good job that I don't hate, and the motivation to take charge of my health. I couldn't ask for more (except to find a church we like)!

And just because I love this little guy, another "6 week" picture of Kael!

One Month Old (finally found it!)

When Kael was about a week old, I was walking through the grocery store when a lady stopped to look at my "brand new" baby. She had three kids in tow, and looked at me with a smile and told me, "Enjoy it while it lasts... they don't stay this little for very long" and boy was she right!

2 days old

1 week old

2 weeks old

3 weeks old

One Month Old!!

In a month, Kael has grown and changed so much. It breaks my heart that he isn't that teeny tiny newborn anymore. Don't get me wrong... I love watching him grow and learning what his personality and temperament are going to be like. He melts my heart with his little smirks, and now that he is staying awake more, I am able to just gaze into his eyes.

His favorite "activities" so far are playing on his floor mat and taking baths. He loves cuddling and just looking around the room. He will follow a toy or my hand with his eyes, and is starting to wiggle around is he is laying on the floor or changing table. He still keeps his little hands in tight fists, but he waves them around all over the place!

We also hit a clothing milestone. The day Kael turned one month old, was the same day we packed up all of his newborn clothes. I shed a few tears as I was reminded that he wouldn't stay this little for very long. He is now wearing 0-3 or 3 month depending on the brand.

Since I have had to rewrite this post 3 times, I sadly don't remember what Kael's weight was at his 1 month appointment, but at his 2 week appointment he was 21 1/2 inches long, and 9lbs 4ozs. I want to say his weight was 10lbs 6ozs, but that is just off the top of my head. Needless to say... he is growing like a weed!

I can honestly say that we are very blessed with such a happy baby. He rarely cries, and for the most part that is only when he is hungry and getting sleepy. We have only had 3 nights where he screamed and wouldn't stop crying. It went on for 30 minutes to an hour, and I cried right along with him! He is on a very good schedule (we are using the book Baby Wise) of eat, play, sleep every 2.5-3 hours. He usually sticks right around the 2.5 hour mark during the day, and 4 hours at night.

Well, the little booger is waking up from his nap... better go!

4 Weeks Post Partum

Seriously?!? How in the world has it been 4 weeks already? Since Kael wont technically be 1 month old until the 3rd, I decided I would do a post on me (shocking I know!).

First of all, I don't have any pictures of myself to upload. This is because any picture that is taken of me that shows below my chest typically gets deleted since they make me want to barf. I have lost 20-25 pounds of the 35 that I gained. It all sort of melted it off around the 2 week mark. I remember being overjoyed when I got on the scale and saw that- I figured losing the baby weight and getting my body back would be a breeze! Well... another 2 weeks have gone by, and not a pound has come off. I don't understand it to be honest. I don't eat much (it's pretty tough when every time I sit down to have a meal, Kael starts to cry) and I'm drinking tons and tons of water since breast feeding seems to really dehydrate me. But more than the scale, it is my body as a whole. Although I have lost weight, I feel as though I still look pregnant (in clothes). But as soon as I lift my shirt, it looks like something straight out of a horror movie! A big saggy blob that is supposed to be my stomach just hangs there. It is covered in dark stretch marks that look like scars, and I seem to have widened. Any waistline that I had before is now non-existent and don't get me started of my hips, thighs, or ass! Don't get me wrong... I would live with my body like this forever if it meant having my baby boy, but it can get tough on a girl's self esteem. I know I just had a baby...I know it takes time...I know I'm still beautiful, but when you have an abundance of hormones still racing through your body you can't help but get a little frustrated.

On the other hand... let me tell you about these boobs! I now know what it would feel like if I had fake boobs that are hard and perky and don't require you to wear a bra! I feel like I could give Dolly Parton or Pamela Anderson some competition with these ta-tas. But they aren't all fun and games. I have worn a bra every minute of every day (besides in the shower) since Kael was born. They hurt otherwise- mainly being sore from breast feeding, but also I have to wear nursing pads to help with any leaking. Thankfully I haven't had any embarrassing moments on that front yet. Breast feeding is actually going really well. Kael latched on like a pro, and I never had sore or cracked nipples. My milk came in around day 4, and I have felt like a milk cow since then! I actually had to deal with engorgement for 3-4 days rather than pump to help decrease my supply. It seems to have evened out, and is producing the perfect amount for Kael. It is so amazing how our bodies work! I have about 50 bags of frozen milk to use once I go back to work, and will hopefully be increasing that supply soon. I haven't pumped in about 2 weeks, but we plan on introducing bottles within the week, so I will start pumping once a day again(a bottle for Kael, and a bottle to freeze). I'm excited to have Kevin help with the feedings and to give him the opportunity to bond with Kael, but at the same time I can feel my heart breaking just a little thinking about missing out on that time with him. I know I have to get him used to bottles for when I go back to work, but I love the time we have when he nurses.

My recovery has been pretty easy considering what a horrible delivery I had. I never took anything stronger than 800 mg of motrin, and after about 10 days I stopped taking it. my biggest complaint is that I'm ready for these stitches to dissolve already! I can feel them sort of pull when I do certain things. I am also still bleeding (sorry for the TMI). I am so sick of it, and REALLY hope it stops soon. It has been like having a period for a month straight... not fun! Other than that, I feel like I am recovering pretty quickly. Kevin and I actually went out and did alot with Kael pretty early on. We have taken several walks with the stroller, I have used the carrier once, and I actually just got the Ergo baby carrier which I'm really excited to try out!

I'm slowly starting to get more sleep at night. It still isn't much, but a big improvement from the 1.5-2 hours I was getting the first 2 weeks. I just keep telling myself it will get better, and I'm really working to get Kael on a good schedule that will hopefully help him sleep through the night by 2 months old.

But of coarse the best part of being 4 weeks post partum is my sweet baby boy! I can't wait to do his 1 month old post! Keep a look out, I will be posting it on Tuesday.

Birth Story- Part 2

The time went on and on. I was pushing for what felt like forever! All I wanted was to meet my son. I didn’t understand what was taking so long. I could feel every contraction, I knew exactly when to push, and I pushed long and hard. I will admit, the longer it took, the harder I pushed. I was exhausted, worn out, and was in extreme pain, but I wanted it to be over as quickly as possible. I couldn’t see anything, and my eyes were rolling to the back of my head. I remember screaming… A LOT. I never thought I would be one of those women. You know, the ones you see on TV or in the movies who are screaming at the top of their lungs, but guess what… I was. I couldn’t control myself. To be honest I don’t remember much of the pushing part of labor other than feeling frantic. All I wanted was for it to be over. At one point I remember screaming at the doctor, “I can feel EVERYTHING!” I started having cramps in my right hip which caused my entire body to start shaking. I had a blood pressure cuff on the entire time, which would tighten every 3 minutes. I remember screaming at the nurse to take it off of me because it would get so tight.

This continued for hours… 2 ½ hours to be exact. I pushed harder and harder with each contraction, just hoping that he would come with that push. Finally the doctor decided to try the vacuum. It didn’t work. She then had the nurse bring in a different vacuum which was connected to a compressor and had more power. Still didn’t work. After a few more pushes, I felt her cut me. The first thing I thought was, “That wasn’t in my birth plan!” I did not want an episiotomy, but it had already been done. I knew things were not going well at that point. Although my doctor was very calm, it seemed like everything she tried to do to help me failed. More and more nurses came into the room. He was so close, yet so far. They could see his head, but it felt like they had been saying that the entire time. To be honest, the way Kevin described it was he looked like a “prairie dog”. The top of his head would come out as I pushed, but as soon as I stopped to take a breath, it would go back in.

At this point I became scared. I remember asking the doctor, “What if I can’t push him out”. I was done… all I wanted was for this to be over. With every push I would pray “Please Lord, give me the strength”. I became determined. I pushed harder than I ever had. With those pushes I could tell something was happening. I could hear the nurses moving things around, but I still couldn’t see (due to the pain). There was a lot of commotion, and Kevin was squeezing my hand and seemed very excited. The top of his head was finally out (and stayed out). They grabbed my hand and placed it on his head. I could feel his hair, and knew that everything would soon be over. I pushed maybe one or two more times and I felt relief! His head was all the way out. They coached me when to push again, and with a big gush, he was out! After trying to become pregnant for 18 months, a miscarriage, waiting a long 9 months to meet my baby and 31 hours of labor, he was born at 3:50 pm on April 3^rd, 2011!

They placed him on my chest, but the only thing I could concentrate on were the words coming out of the doctor’s mouth… “We’ve got meconium”. As Kael laid on my chest and I tried to regain eyesight to see my baby, there was a lot going on at once. There was a nurse on either side of my bed. One was rubbing him down, trying to get all of the poop and other junk off of him. The other was shoving tubes down his throat. All of a sudden I see the doctor cut the cord, and the nurses whisk him off of my chest, and onto the little work station that was in my room (there is not a nursery at this hospital, so everything was done in my room). Once again all I could think was, “Kevin was supposed to cut the cord!” My birth plan was a bust… nothing went the way it was “supposed” to. At this point I could hear the doctor ordering stuff to stitch me up. My legs were still up on the squatting bar and were still shaking uncontrollably. I could still feel everything, and at that point I felt something sort of slide out- I had delivered the placenta. At that point a nurse nearly jumped on top of me and began rubbing my stomach. I could feel fluid and blood gushing out. It hurt when she pushed down on me. I was tired and sore and wanted to yell at her to get off of me! All I wanted was to hold my baby. He was supposed to get skin-to-skin time immediately. He was supposed to breast feed before he was taken from me. Everything had gone wrong and I was upset and frustrated. Why had things gone the way they did? Would it have been better if I had gotten the epidural from the beginning, or if I had been able to hold it together longer and continue with the natural birth. I was upset with myself…with my body. Why had it been so difficult and long? But I just kept looking over at my baby and couldn’t help but smile. He was worth every long contraction, every push, every ounce of pain.

The doctor began to stitch me up, and I asked her how bad it was. When her response was, “ehhh…” I knew it was bad. I had a fourth degree tear, meaning I ripped hole to hole and all through the muscle as well. I could feel her stitching me up, but the pain of a needle poking my privates felt like nothing compared to what I had just been through. My focus was on Kael. I needed them to bring him back to me. As I watched, they continued to try to get him to cry. His arms and legs were blue, and his left ear was folded in half. I wanted to know he was okay, but more than anything I wanted him in my arms! Finally, they brought him over. I was overwhelmed with emotion. This tiny person who had just been inside of me, was now laying on top of me, our skin touching, building a bond between mother and son. I looked up at Kevin, and all I could do was thank God for giving me everything that I had ever wanted.