Change

I am a person of habit. I need structure and to be honest... I need to be in control. Having a baby pretty much throws all of these things out the window. I have learned that I am no longer in control AT ALL! But that is okay... I have no problem letting Kael take the lead.

Where my problem lays is in change. When he decides to change his routine or schedule. I know babies are meant to throw us through a loop every now and again, but I guess I am spoiled. Kael has always been such a happy and easy baby. For about a week now, he has been waking through the night again, and has been extra cranky. I am assuming he is going through his 3 month go growth spurt, since things are beginning to go back to normal, but let me tell you! I was losing my mind!! Not to mention, he decided to start this nonsense the weekend before I had to go back to work!

And that is the biggest change of all. I was excited about going back to work. It was ideal... working in the infant room, having Kael right there with me all day long. WRONG! My first day back I was told that a parent had already expressed concern about me being in the same room as my child. Because of that, I feel like I can't pick him up, hold him, talk to him, etc. because my every move is being watched. I feel like I am ignoring him and it is killing me! I have come home every day and just held him and cried because I feel like such a horrible mother. I keep thinking it will get easier, but each day it seems to get harder. I feel like I am missing out. I know he wont stay this little for very long, and I just want to cherish every moment of it. By the time we get home from work, I only have 3 hours with him before he is out for the night, and an hour of that is his evening nap (he is still napping every 2-3 hours!).

His night time routine is pure bliss for me. I love giving him his bath and snuggling up and feeding him. I miss getting to breastfeed him. I hate pumping. I feel like every free moment I have, I am pumping to keep up my supply and so that he can have it in a bottle. But it just isn't the same... I love breastfeeding him. That is such a special time between the two of us, and now I am only getting to feed him 2-3 times a day, and it breaks my heart.

I knew being a mom wouldn't be easy... but I didn't know it would be because I love him too much!