"Just for One"

(Warning...today's post is pretty pathetic, and also a little more personal than some might wish to know)

Today has been one of those days that I just dread to even think about. I thought I did a very good job of keeping myself together yesterday when I dropped Kevin off at the airport and came home to realize that I would be back on my twin bed all alone. I woke up this morning in good spirits, did my Biggest Loser game on the Wii (which kicked my butt!), got my grocery list together, took down Christmas, and was off to the grocery store. My thought process has always been that the more busy I stay, the less time I will have to "think". It wasn't until I was standing in line at the grocery store and looked over at the steamable broccoli and cheese I was about to purchase that I noticed the side of the box said "Just for One". It was in that moment that I realized that that is exactly what I am (I know its not forever, but for the next 9 weeks I am, and I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself every now and then!) Now, I know there are thousands of women out there with husbands in the military, and I know that I really don't have it that bad since Kevin doesn't have to leave for years at a time, but considering our past and what we went through roughly 3 months ago, it still hits hard. I never knew that my miscarriage would still affect me the way that it does. Not only am I "one" because Kevin is in California, but I am "one" because I no longer have a baby growing inside of me.

(Warning...this is where it gets a little TOO personal)
With the anticipation of Kevin coming home for the holidays, we immediately began discussing the possibility of trying for a baby again. We hadn't been able to (obviously) for the past 9 weeks, and we were very optimistic. Due to my previous period cycles it appeared that I would be ovulating while Kevin was here, increasing our chances (and hopes) of getting pregnant again. One of the reasons why I took a pregnancy test (when I received a positive reading) was because I had extreme soreness in my boobs. Not like I'm about to start my period, but to the point where I thought I could possibly have breast cancer. The Monday after Christmas I began to realize that there was no sort of pain similar to this, and I began to prepare myself for the thought of not getting pregnant this time around. On Tuesday I began cramping really bad, and Wednesday I started my period. Not only does this mean my period is extremely out of whack since I got it a week early, it was the proof I had been dreading that would show me that I am once again not pregnant. Getting my period is hard enough, its like a slap to the face, a constant reminder that there is not longer a baby in there, but this time it was proof that our attempts were a failure. I know that I have to stay positive, and to keep reminding myself that God does have a plan for us, but that is really much easier said than done. I know that things will get easier, and when it is the perfect time for Kevin and I we will have the wonderful experience of pregnancy and parenthood. I just have days where I feel like it is all crumbling down on me, and on those days my blog becomes my venting tool! So to all of you who sucked it up and continued to read, I apologize and thank you for putting up with my pathetic days!