Well I had my radiologist appointment yesterday and the results were devastating. It was confirmed that our little baby OC is a loss. At the appointment they did not say much more than to expect a call from my doctor to explain the results and to determine where to go from here. I did receive a call from the RN today, letting me know that my doctor was reviewing my results and would call by Monday morning. He is in the hospital on Tuesdays, so it looks like I will hopefully have my D&C then.
I was shocked at how well I handled all of this news. They wouldn't let Kevin come into the ultrasound room with me so I was very nervous going in there alone. I think I am able to handle this better than what many people expect because I have had nearly 3 weeks to prepare for all of this. I do still have my sad moments every day and I have noticed that I seem to get angry a lot easier than before, but hopefully that is just a part of the craziness my hormones are experiencing. I know that Tuesday is going to be a very hard and sad day, but I am also very ready to move on from here.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Inspiration
Here is a link to a story that is truly inspirational...
http://www.zimbio.com/watch/rS5abniyDZL/Biggest+Loser+Abby+Rike+Overcoming+Tragedy/Access+Hollywood
One of my favorite shows is "The Biggest Loser". It is so motivational to me, in the fact that it makes me want to eat better and to work out and to take care of my body. With everything that is going on right now, I feel like more than ever I want to be a couch potato and lay around doing nothing. The season started last Tuesday, but I didn't get the chance to watch the episode until Friday (the 18th). This was the first day that I was feeling better, and I had Kevin home with me which made it easier. I watched this episode, and cried my eyes out. Abby has become my inspiration and has made me realize that even though I feel what I am going through right now is hard, it could be so much worse. This poor woman (who is from Texas also) lost her husband, and her two children in a car accident. She had a 5 year old daughter and a son who was 2 1/2 WEEKS old! I can not imagine the pain she has had to go through... I realize now how much I take for granted and how quick I am to feel sorry for myself. I can honestly say I thank God every day now for my husband and my family. He may have decided it isn't the right time for us to have a baby, but we will one day. I can not fathom losing everyone you love all at once. But she is able to go on living and wants to live a better life, so she has chosen to go on the Biggest Loser and knows that she is meant for something bigger. She will do great things with her life, and I am sure is a huge inspiration to many!
Another story I saw today that broke my heart was on a friend of mine's facebook status. Here is the exact quote... "Plese pray for my sister's friend. Last night, lightning struck her house and this morning she found both of her 2 year old twin boys dead in their sleep. The cause is probably heat stroke from the lightning. These are their 4th children to lose, so the pain has got to be immense. They need all the prayers they can get."
As I am seeing and hearing these stories I am more aware that everyone goes through difficult times, some harder than others. Although the pain of a miscarriage is difficult, I am still able to get up every morning and go on living my life. I now see that God works in mysterious ways and Kevin and I will have our chance of having a baby whenever the time is right. As of now, I am able to see past my hardships and thank God for showing me that my life is not as bad as I can make it out to be. My thoughts and prayers are with the two families above.
I just hope that I can keep this optomistic attitude up after my radiologist appointment on thursday...
God Bless and I hope everyone enjoys their first day of FALL! (The Holiday Season is quickly approaching!!)
http://www.zimbio.com/watch/rS5abniyDZL/Biggest+Loser+Abby+Rike+Overcoming+Tragedy/Access+Hollywood
One of my favorite shows is "The Biggest Loser". It is so motivational to me, in the fact that it makes me want to eat better and to work out and to take care of my body. With everything that is going on right now, I feel like more than ever I want to be a couch potato and lay around doing nothing. The season started last Tuesday, but I didn't get the chance to watch the episode until Friday (the 18th). This was the first day that I was feeling better, and I had Kevin home with me which made it easier. I watched this episode, and cried my eyes out. Abby has become my inspiration and has made me realize that even though I feel what I am going through right now is hard, it could be so much worse. This poor woman (who is from Texas also) lost her husband, and her two children in a car accident. She had a 5 year old daughter and a son who was 2 1/2 WEEKS old! I can not imagine the pain she has had to go through... I realize now how much I take for granted and how quick I am to feel sorry for myself. I can honestly say I thank God every day now for my husband and my family. He may have decided it isn't the right time for us to have a baby, but we will one day. I can not fathom losing everyone you love all at once. But she is able to go on living and wants to live a better life, so she has chosen to go on the Biggest Loser and knows that she is meant for something bigger. She will do great things with her life, and I am sure is a huge inspiration to many!
Another story I saw today that broke my heart was on a friend of mine's facebook status. Here is the exact quote... "Plese pray for my sister's friend. Last night, lightning struck her house and this morning she found both of her 2 year old twin boys dead in their sleep. The cause is probably heat stroke from the lightning. These are their 4th children to lose, so the pain has got to be immense. They need all the prayers they can get."
As I am seeing and hearing these stories I am more aware that everyone goes through difficult times, some harder than others. Although the pain of a miscarriage is difficult, I am still able to get up every morning and go on living my life. I now see that God works in mysterious ways and Kevin and I will have our chance of having a baby whenever the time is right. As of now, I am able to see past my hardships and thank God for showing me that my life is not as bad as I can make it out to be. My thoughts and prayers are with the two families above.
I just hope that I can keep this optomistic attitude up after my radiologist appointment on thursday...
God Bless and I hope everyone enjoys their first day of FALL! (The Holiday Season is quickly approaching!!)
Purpose
As I am slowly but surely starting to feel better with each coming day, I have to thank God for helping me through this. Although I do find myself every once in a while still asking "Why?" I am beginning to see that maybe the reason I am having to go through this is to help strengthen my faith, and to realize it is time to start helping those in need.
I can remember being so active with my church growing up, and with that doing so much to help families in need. I can remember vividly the one Sunday a year the majority of the congregation would gather in the gym to put boxes of food together for families around Thanksgiving. We would then devide them up and deliver them. It made Thanksgiving that much more special, and helped show that we have so much to be thankful for. It helped keep priorities in line, and I can remember crying every year when I saw kids around my age having to live in such difficult conditions. My other favorite activity was at Christmas getting a list of children and the items they would want and need. Our youth group would make a trip to Target and we would each get a child's name and a certain amount of money to spend. We then each got to go through the store and pick out what it was that we wanted to give that child based on what they had requested, and often times it was a few toys and shoes. Once we all purchased our gifts we would go back to the church, wrap them, and then deliver them.
Although these only took place twice a year, and around the holidays, it always touched my heart and made me want to be a part of something bigger. As the holidays are beginning to aproach this year, I am looking forward to finding sothing to volunteer my time with. Kevin and I will be participating in a walk for children with down syndrome along with my close friend Kelli and her mom on October 11th. Although all I am really contributing is a small donation, it is a start. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to let me know.
I can remember being so active with my church growing up, and with that doing so much to help families in need. I can remember vividly the one Sunday a year the majority of the congregation would gather in the gym to put boxes of food together for families around Thanksgiving. We would then devide them up and deliver them. It made Thanksgiving that much more special, and helped show that we have so much to be thankful for. It helped keep priorities in line, and I can remember crying every year when I saw kids around my age having to live in such difficult conditions. My other favorite activity was at Christmas getting a list of children and the items they would want and need. Our youth group would make a trip to Target and we would each get a child's name and a certain amount of money to spend. We then each got to go through the store and pick out what it was that we wanted to give that child based on what they had requested, and often times it was a few toys and shoes. Once we all purchased our gifts we would go back to the church, wrap them, and then deliver them.
Although these only took place twice a year, and around the holidays, it always touched my heart and made me want to be a part of something bigger. As the holidays are beginning to aproach this year, I am looking forward to finding sothing to volunteer my time with. Kevin and I will be participating in a walk for children with down syndrome along with my close friend Kelli and her mom on October 11th. Although all I am really contributing is a small donation, it is a start. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to let me know.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Preperation
Well, the past couple of days have been a roller coaster of emotion. I am feeling less mad (Sorry God!) and slowly more at peace. I know what is coming, and so I am beginning to prepare myself for the emotional and physical hardships. Yesterday Kevin and I went to Walmart with our list of items that we needed. As we walked down the aisle of laundry detergent, we came across the "feminine products". It was then that I realized I had thrown out the remainder of mine when I found out I was pregnant, and I would soon be needing them again. As I placed the box into our basket I found it much easier than what I was expecting. Don't get me wrong, I am sure that when I have my appointment this week with the radiologist and they confirm I will be losing my baby, I will have a melt down. But like I said, I am more at "peace" or at least I have just become numb to the thought of what is happening inside my body. I am to the point where I want this to be over with so I cna try to forget about it and move on and try again.
But for the most part, I have been okay. Saturday was Kevin's 26th birthday! We didn't do anything very exciting, we had lunch at my favorite place (Chili's) and then played with Kevin's birthday present (the AeroSmith Guitar Hero)...boys just never seem to grow up! That night we opted for staying at home and having that time with eachother. We had a movie marathon and fried chicken (Kevin LOVES Popeyes for some reason...) It was a very uneventful day, but Kevin loved it... I think he was trying to avoid the fact that he is getting older! We have been able to live life and laugh. It hasn't been miserable every minute of every day. We are coping with it the best we can, and still looking for the positive in all of this. So far here is our list of positives... (1.) When we do get pregnant again, Kevin will be home for it, and not at school for 4 1/2 months (2.) We wont be moving when I am 9 months pregnant (3.) I will be able to go to Kevin's graduation in California in March (4.) We will have more time to get things paid off, and be a little more "financially" ready (5.)When we do get pregnant with a healthy baby it will make it that much more special (and this is the most positive thought of them all!)
Besides all of our disappointment, there is a very exciting event coming up...We will be moving!! Well actually, Kevin will be going to school in California, and I will be staying with my mom in Texas, but we are getting out of Maryland! YAY!! We will be leaving October 9th, so the countdown has begun (17 more days!) We have our pre move-out inspection on wednesday, so I will be packing and cleaning like crazy the next two days. We will be putting our stuff in a storage unit up here beginning October 1st, so we can do it a little at a time for about a week. It is becoming more and more real that this is going to be happening VERY soon, and it can not come fast enough! With everything that is going on, being close to family and friends is the best thing I could ever wish for. It is going to be really tough being away from Kevin for that long (4 1/2 months!) but he will be able to come home for 2 weeks at Christmas and I am planning on going to visit a few times too. He will be in Petaluma, CA which is about 30 miles north of San Fransico and appears to be very close to Napa Valley and the Redwood Forests. Neither of us have been to CA before, so I know Kevin is extremely excited, and I can't wait to go visit.
So here is the schedule for this week, and I will be posting again soon.
Running around town today, cleaning like crazy tomorrow, pre move-out inspection on wednesday, radiologist on thursday (please keep us in your prayers this day), and rest on friday
But for the most part, I have been okay. Saturday was Kevin's 26th birthday! We didn't do anything very exciting, we had lunch at my favorite place (Chili's) and then played with Kevin's birthday present (the AeroSmith Guitar Hero)...boys just never seem to grow up! That night we opted for staying at home and having that time with eachother. We had a movie marathon and fried chicken (Kevin LOVES Popeyes for some reason...) It was a very uneventful day, but Kevin loved it... I think he was trying to avoid the fact that he is getting older! We have been able to live life and laugh. It hasn't been miserable every minute of every day. We are coping with it the best we can, and still looking for the positive in all of this. So far here is our list of positives... (1.) When we do get pregnant again, Kevin will be home for it, and not at school for 4 1/2 months (2.) We wont be moving when I am 9 months pregnant (3.) I will be able to go to Kevin's graduation in California in March (4.) We will have more time to get things paid off, and be a little more "financially" ready (5.)When we do get pregnant with a healthy baby it will make it that much more special (and this is the most positive thought of them all!)
Besides all of our disappointment, there is a very exciting event coming up...We will be moving!! Well actually, Kevin will be going to school in California, and I will be staying with my mom in Texas, but we are getting out of Maryland! YAY!! We will be leaving October 9th, so the countdown has begun (17 more days!) We have our pre move-out inspection on wednesday, so I will be packing and cleaning like crazy the next two days. We will be putting our stuff in a storage unit up here beginning October 1st, so we can do it a little at a time for about a week. It is becoming more and more real that this is going to be happening VERY soon, and it can not come fast enough! With everything that is going on, being close to family and friends is the best thing I could ever wish for. It is going to be really tough being away from Kevin for that long (4 1/2 months!) but he will be able to come home for 2 weeks at Christmas and I am planning on going to visit a few times too. He will be in Petaluma, CA which is about 30 miles north of San Fransico and appears to be very close to Napa Valley and the Redwood Forests. Neither of us have been to CA before, so I know Kevin is extremely excited, and I can't wait to go visit.
So here is the schedule for this week, and I will be posting again soon.
Running around town today, cleaning like crazy tomorrow, pre move-out inspection on wednesday, radiologist on thursday (please keep us in your prayers this day), and rest on friday
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Bad News Gets Worse...
Well, we had our second appointment yesterday to check everything out with the baby. At this time according to my last period, I should be 11 weeks. When they took measurements of the baby, it is only measuring 6 weeks 6 days. At this point in time regardless, there should be a visible heartbeat and there still is not. To make absolute certain the baby is going to be a loss, I go in AGAIN next week to a radiologist to have everything checked out once more. If there is still no heart beat I will have to decide what form of "miscarriage" I would like to have.
This has been the hardest, most difficult time in my life. I just don't understand why God would give someone the joy of a baby, and almost 3 months later decide maybe it wasn't the best idea and take it away. I know that right now is the worst time to get angry with God, but I just don't understand... there are hundreds of girls out there getting pregnant at 15/16 years old who should not have a baby, yet they get pregnant and are able to go full term with a healthy baby. Or what about the people who decide to have an abortion... WHY?!? Why would God give them a baby, knowing that they would decide to just throw it away. I feel like I have had my fair share or hard times throughout life, probably more than most, so why me? If God knew me and my desires he would know that a baby is the only desire I have. At this point I have to just keep praying for peace, and to know that for some reason this IS God's will and he has a plan for Kevin and I, no matter how hard it may be to see right now.
This is heartbreaking news to Kevin and I, and I can't imagine how our families are going to take it. I already know my mom is extremely torn up by this, and now we get to experience the joy of turning around and telling all of our family/friends/and facebook that we will no longer be having a baby. Now I completely understand why people wait until they are out of their first trimester to tell anyone... although by the time I find out for certain what is going on I will be in my last week of my first trimester, so I guess "week 12" isn't always the safe point. I feel like I have every emotion running through my mind and body...sadness, anger, confusion, jealousy, pity, numbness, and emptiness.
This has been the hardest, most difficult time in my life. I just don't understand why God would give someone the joy of a baby, and almost 3 months later decide maybe it wasn't the best idea and take it away. I know that right now is the worst time to get angry with God, but I just don't understand... there are hundreds of girls out there getting pregnant at 15/16 years old who should not have a baby, yet they get pregnant and are able to go full term with a healthy baby. Or what about the people who decide to have an abortion... WHY?!? Why would God give them a baby, knowing that they would decide to just throw it away. I feel like I have had my fair share or hard times throughout life, probably more than most, so why me? If God knew me and my desires he would know that a baby is the only desire I have. At this point I have to just keep praying for peace, and to know that for some reason this IS God's will and he has a plan for Kevin and I, no matter how hard it may be to see right now.
This is heartbreaking news to Kevin and I, and I can't imagine how our families are going to take it. I already know my mom is extremely torn up by this, and now we get to experience the joy of turning around and telling all of our family/friends/and facebook that we will no longer be having a baby. Now I completely understand why people wait until they are out of their first trimester to tell anyone... although by the time I find out for certain what is going on I will be in my last week of my first trimester, so I guess "week 12" isn't always the safe point. I feel like I have every emotion running through my mind and body...sadness, anger, confusion, jealousy, pity, numbness, and emptiness.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Baby OC!
So the big news these days is that we are expecting a baby! On July 26, 2009 I took a home pregnancy test which came out positive, and we had it confirmed on August 3, 2009. We could not be more excited! At the time of our confirmation, the estimated due date was April 5, 2010. All I have ever wanted out of my life it to have a family and be a mother. It has been a little stressful thinking about the pregnancy and the fact that Kevin will be gone for the bulk of it, but the little baby that will come out of it seems to ease all of our worries. We had the opportunity to tell our families when we were in Texas and since this will be the first grandchild for both of our families so our parents are thrilled.
We had our first prenatal visit on September 9, 2009 (9/9/09!!) According to my estimated due date, I was 10 weeks pregnant for this appointment. We went into this appointment so excited and expecting to recieve a picture of our growing baby and the joy of hearing his/her heartbeat. What we found at this appointment was worry and heartache. Since this was the first appointment, we were there for nearly 2 hours! It felt like a medical and informational overload! I got a flu shot, pap smear, pelvic exam, and blood work done (they filled like 7 viles!) plus the doctor told us everything we could have ever possibly needed to know and most of it actually felt like it went in one ear and out the other! Towards the end of the exam the doctor tried to find the baby's heartbeat using the doppler which is a tool that amplifies the babies heart beat so you can hear it. He tried finding the heartbeat with that and could not find it, so he then tried an ultrasound. He found the baby and he found that it is actually alot smaller than he was expecting. Due to that, he then decided to use the vaginal ultrasound. With this he found the baby again, but still could not see the heartbeat. Of coarse this is the last thing that any expecting parent wants to hear. The doctor didn't seem very concerned, he just seemed to think I am not as far along as we originally thought. He had me schedule another appointment for this coming Wednesday at his other office where he has a better ultrasound machine. It feels like this coming week will be the longest week of my life! Kevin and I are both trying to stay very positive, and take each day one at a time.
We had our first prenatal visit on September 9, 2009 (9/9/09!!) According to my estimated due date, I was 10 weeks pregnant for this appointment. We went into this appointment so excited and expecting to recieve a picture of our growing baby and the joy of hearing his/her heartbeat. What we found at this appointment was worry and heartache. Since this was the first appointment, we were there for nearly 2 hours! It felt like a medical and informational overload! I got a flu shot, pap smear, pelvic exam, and blood work done (they filled like 7 viles!) plus the doctor told us everything we could have ever possibly needed to know and most of it actually felt like it went in one ear and out the other! Towards the end of the exam the doctor tried to find the baby's heartbeat using the doppler which is a tool that amplifies the babies heart beat so you can hear it. He tried finding the heartbeat with that and could not find it, so he then tried an ultrasound. He found the baby and he found that it is actually alot smaller than he was expecting. Due to that, he then decided to use the vaginal ultrasound. With this he found the baby again, but still could not see the heartbeat. Of coarse this is the last thing that any expecting parent wants to hear. The doctor didn't seem very concerned, he just seemed to think I am not as far along as we originally thought. He had me schedule another appointment for this coming Wednesday at his other office where he has a better ultrasound machine. It feels like this coming week will be the longest week of my life! Kevin and I are both trying to stay very positive, and take each day one at a time.
So Sorry...
Well, I keep telling myself I will do better about keeping up with this blog and it just never seems to happen. Let me see if I can back track a little to fill you in.
The end of June my mom and Lauren came up to visit. They were dying to see the house on the army base we had just moved into and were here for 10 days! It was so nice having them around. This was the second time they came up to visit us since we moved to Baltimore, and it was much warmer this time around! I am shocked at how my relationship with my mom has grown. I can honestly say she is one of my best friends and I deeply miss living close to her and the rest of my family. Lauren went to prom this year with her boyfriend who is a senior, so she brought me a picture which I have on my fridge. We didn't do as much sigh seeing this time around, but we did go to the Coast Guard base and got to take a ride on one of the boats. We alos found a state park in Annapolis (Sandy Point) that had a small beach, so we laid out and enjoyed the sun, water, and the interesting orange sand. It was sad when they had to go back home, but I was getting ready to start summer camp for work and it was time to get back to "real life".
On August 4th, Kevin and I finally made it down to Texas TOGETHER! I have been down a couple of times, but this was the first time since November 2008 that we both were in Texas. Kevin's cousin Aaron was getting married in San Antonio on August 8th so we flew into McAllen and got to spend time with our families in South Texas. We had a long list of the things we wanted to do and eat once we got back home! The first full day we were in Texas we made it down to South Padre and had lunch at Whataburger! It was amazing!! The week seemed to fly by and before we knew it, it was time to come back home.
The big news once we got home was Kevin got order for his A-School. It is basically a training school that will allow him to specify what his job will be for the Coast Guard. He is going OS, which is operation specialist. He will basically sit at a computer all day, which isn't as exciting as what he gets to do now, but he will get to come home every night! Kevin is very ready to leave Baltimore and continue on with his Coast Guard career so this is a great step in the right direction. He is a little indecisive when it comes to making a career out of the Coast Guard, but I have a feeling that when his contract is up in 5 years he will decide to find something else to do. He has always had his eye on joining the FBI, so that may be what he tries to achieve once he is able to. He is also thinking about going back to school to get his masters. I just love him so much and he makes me so proud!! :)
So with the big news of Kevin's orders, we found out we will be moving!! THANK GOD!!! Kevin will report to his school on October 18, 2009 and his graduation in March 4, 2010! He is going tobe gone for so long, it is gonna kill me! During this time I will be staying with my mom and sister in Huntsville, TX. I am hoping I will get to visit Kevin once a month in Petaluma, CA. Neither of us have been to California so we are looking at this as just another adventure we are getting to go on. At this point we are planning on leaving Baltimore on October 9th and driving to Texas for a few days and then continuing our trip to California. I will be back in Texas on October 18th and will be helping my grandparents with a junior league show on the 21st! No rest for me! Then for Halloween weekend we are having an EXIT reunion. This is where I worked all through college and I can not wait to see everyone again!
The end of June my mom and Lauren came up to visit. They were dying to see the house on the army base we had just moved into and were here for 10 days! It was so nice having them around. This was the second time they came up to visit us since we moved to Baltimore, and it was much warmer this time around! I am shocked at how my relationship with my mom has grown. I can honestly say she is one of my best friends and I deeply miss living close to her and the rest of my family. Lauren went to prom this year with her boyfriend who is a senior, so she brought me a picture which I have on my fridge. We didn't do as much sigh seeing this time around, but we did go to the Coast Guard base and got to take a ride on one of the boats. We alos found a state park in Annapolis (Sandy Point) that had a small beach, so we laid out and enjoyed the sun, water, and the interesting orange sand. It was sad when they had to go back home, but I was getting ready to start summer camp for work and it was time to get back to "real life".
On August 4th, Kevin and I finally made it down to Texas TOGETHER! I have been down a couple of times, but this was the first time since November 2008 that we both were in Texas. Kevin's cousin Aaron was getting married in San Antonio on August 8th so we flew into McAllen and got to spend time with our families in South Texas. We had a long list of the things we wanted to do and eat once we got back home! The first full day we were in Texas we made it down to South Padre and had lunch at Whataburger! It was amazing!! The week seemed to fly by and before we knew it, it was time to come back home.
The big news once we got home was Kevin got order for his A-School. It is basically a training school that will allow him to specify what his job will be for the Coast Guard. He is going OS, which is operation specialist. He will basically sit at a computer all day, which isn't as exciting as what he gets to do now, but he will get to come home every night! Kevin is very ready to leave Baltimore and continue on with his Coast Guard career so this is a great step in the right direction. He is a little indecisive when it comes to making a career out of the Coast Guard, but I have a feeling that when his contract is up in 5 years he will decide to find something else to do. He has always had his eye on joining the FBI, so that may be what he tries to achieve once he is able to. He is also thinking about going back to school to get his masters. I just love him so much and he makes me so proud!! :)
So with the big news of Kevin's orders, we found out we will be moving!! THANK GOD!!! Kevin will report to his school on October 18, 2009 and his graduation in March 4, 2010! He is going tobe gone for so long, it is gonna kill me! During this time I will be staying with my mom and sister in Huntsville, TX. I am hoping I will get to visit Kevin once a month in Petaluma, CA. Neither of us have been to California so we are looking at this as just another adventure we are getting to go on. At this point we are planning on leaving Baltimore on October 9th and driving to Texas for a few days and then continuing our trip to California. I will be back in Texas on October 18th and will be helping my grandparents with a junior league show on the 21st! No rest for me! Then for Halloween weekend we are having an EXIT reunion. This is where I worked all through college and I can not wait to see everyone again!
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