Realization

Well, life has become a total whirlwind of craziness! I started working at the EXIT again this past week and have been gone for about 5 days. I got back to Huntsville last night around 9:30, and I will be back in CS from Thursday to Monday again! Although I am worn out and feel drained, I love being able to stay so busy. I have had a lot on my mind the past couple of days, all of which has been very hard to shake. First of all, I am finally beginning to realize that Kevin is going to be gone for a lot longer than I was prepared for. I keep thinking about how great it is that he gets to come home December 18th, but that is still 8 weeks away! Although this time around is much easier than when he was in boot camp since we can talk, text, email, and facebook, but it just isn't the same not having your husband with you for months at a time. I keep wondering what has my life turned into? This is not what I had pictured for myself by any means... but I guess God likes to throw us all a curve ball every once in a while. I feel like my life is on hold...I don't know where we will be going next so I can't even begin looking for jobs, and without a husband who is present, you can't really try for a baby either. I know we made the right choice when we decided for Kevin to go to this school, but I have never felt more alone than I do now. I know that I am back "home" and have my family and friends close by, but I feel like I have lost "MY" family...I don't have my husband and we lost our baby, so I feel as if I have no one at this point. It's hard to believe that I had my D&C exactly 4 weeks ago as of today. There for a while I think I just suppressed my emotions on the whole thing, but as time goes on I find myself constantly thinking about it and tearing up. I understand that God has everything under control and it just wasn't our time to have a baby, but this sadness really does get to a point where it is unbearable. This coming weekend is our EXIT reunion which I am extremely excited about, but also very concerned about as well. There will be two girls who are pregnant and are definitely showing at this point. I couldn't be happier for either couple, but at the same time it is just hard to see someone else with what you want more than anything. And I'm not talking about the feeling you get when you see someone with the IPhone... there is nothing materialistic about my biggest "want". I know when the time is right I will get my chance to have a baby, but right now I just feel extremely empty inside...