Well, we had our second appointment yesterday to check everything out with the baby. At this time according to my last period, I should be 11 weeks. When they took measurements of the baby, it is only measuring 6 weeks 6 days. At this point in time regardless, there should be a visible heartbeat and there still is not. To make absolute certain the baby is going to be a loss, I go in AGAIN next week to a radiologist to have everything checked out once more. If there is still no heart beat I will have to decide what form of "miscarriage" I would like to have.
This has been the hardest, most difficult time in my life. I just don't understand why God would give someone the joy of a baby, and almost 3 months later decide maybe it wasn't the best idea and take it away. I know that right now is the worst time to get angry with God, but I just don't understand... there are hundreds of girls out there getting pregnant at 15/16 years old who should not have a baby, yet they get pregnant and are able to go full term with a healthy baby. Or what about the people who decide to have an abortion... WHY?!? Why would God give them a baby, knowing that they would decide to just throw it away. I feel like I have had my fair share or hard times throughout life, probably more than most, so why me? If God knew me and my desires he would know that a baby is the only desire I have. At this point I have to just keep praying for peace, and to know that for some reason this IS God's will and he has a plan for Kevin and I, no matter how hard it may be to see right now.
This is heartbreaking news to Kevin and I, and I can't imagine how our families are going to take it. I already know my mom is extremely torn up by this, and now we get to experience the joy of turning around and telling all of our family/friends/and facebook that we will no longer be having a baby. Now I completely understand why people wait until they are out of their first trimester to tell anyone... although by the time I find out for certain what is going on I will be in my last week of my first trimester, so I guess "week 12" isn't always the safe point. I feel like I have every emotion running through my mind and body...sadness, anger, confusion, jealousy, pity, numbness, and emptiness.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Baby OC!
So the big news these days is that we are expecting a baby! On July 26, 2009 I took a home pregnancy test which came out positive, and we had it confirmed on August 3, 2009. We could not be more excited! At the time of our confirmation, the estimated due date was April 5, 2010. All I have ever wanted out of my life it to have a family and be a mother. It has been a little stressful thinking about the pregnancy and the fact that Kevin will be gone for the bulk of it, but the little baby that will come out of it seems to ease all of our worries. We had the opportunity to tell our families when we were in Texas and since this will be the first grandchild for both of our families so our parents are thrilled.
We had our first prenatal visit on September 9, 2009 (9/9/09!!) According to my estimated due date, I was 10 weeks pregnant for this appointment. We went into this appointment so excited and expecting to recieve a picture of our growing baby and the joy of hearing his/her heartbeat. What we found at this appointment was worry and heartache. Since this was the first appointment, we were there for nearly 2 hours! It felt like a medical and informational overload! I got a flu shot, pap smear, pelvic exam, and blood work done (they filled like 7 viles!) plus the doctor told us everything we could have ever possibly needed to know and most of it actually felt like it went in one ear and out the other! Towards the end of the exam the doctor tried to find the baby's heartbeat using the doppler which is a tool that amplifies the babies heart beat so you can hear it. He tried finding the heartbeat with that and could not find it, so he then tried an ultrasound. He found the baby and he found that it is actually alot smaller than he was expecting. Due to that, he then decided to use the vaginal ultrasound. With this he found the baby again, but still could not see the heartbeat. Of coarse this is the last thing that any expecting parent wants to hear. The doctor didn't seem very concerned, he just seemed to think I am not as far along as we originally thought. He had me schedule another appointment for this coming Wednesday at his other office where he has a better ultrasound machine. It feels like this coming week will be the longest week of my life! Kevin and I are both trying to stay very positive, and take each day one at a time.
We had our first prenatal visit on September 9, 2009 (9/9/09!!) According to my estimated due date, I was 10 weeks pregnant for this appointment. We went into this appointment so excited and expecting to recieve a picture of our growing baby and the joy of hearing his/her heartbeat. What we found at this appointment was worry and heartache. Since this was the first appointment, we were there for nearly 2 hours! It felt like a medical and informational overload! I got a flu shot, pap smear, pelvic exam, and blood work done (they filled like 7 viles!) plus the doctor told us everything we could have ever possibly needed to know and most of it actually felt like it went in one ear and out the other! Towards the end of the exam the doctor tried to find the baby's heartbeat using the doppler which is a tool that amplifies the babies heart beat so you can hear it. He tried finding the heartbeat with that and could not find it, so he then tried an ultrasound. He found the baby and he found that it is actually alot smaller than he was expecting. Due to that, he then decided to use the vaginal ultrasound. With this he found the baby again, but still could not see the heartbeat. Of coarse this is the last thing that any expecting parent wants to hear. The doctor didn't seem very concerned, he just seemed to think I am not as far along as we originally thought. He had me schedule another appointment for this coming Wednesday at his other office where he has a better ultrasound machine. It feels like this coming week will be the longest week of my life! Kevin and I are both trying to stay very positive, and take each day one at a time.
So Sorry...
Well, I keep telling myself I will do better about keeping up with this blog and it just never seems to happen. Let me see if I can back track a little to fill you in.
The end of June my mom and Lauren came up to visit. They were dying to see the house on the army base we had just moved into and were here for 10 days! It was so nice having them around. This was the second time they came up to visit us since we moved to Baltimore, and it was much warmer this time around! I am shocked at how my relationship with my mom has grown. I can honestly say she is one of my best friends and I deeply miss living close to her and the rest of my family. Lauren went to prom this year with her boyfriend who is a senior, so she brought me a picture which I have on my fridge. We didn't do as much sigh seeing this time around, but we did go to the Coast Guard base and got to take a ride on one of the boats. We alos found a state park in Annapolis (Sandy Point) that had a small beach, so we laid out and enjoyed the sun, water, and the interesting orange sand. It was sad when they had to go back home, but I was getting ready to start summer camp for work and it was time to get back to "real life".
On August 4th, Kevin and I finally made it down to Texas TOGETHER! I have been down a couple of times, but this was the first time since November 2008 that we both were in Texas. Kevin's cousin Aaron was getting married in San Antonio on August 8th so we flew into McAllen and got to spend time with our families in South Texas. We had a long list of the things we wanted to do and eat once we got back home! The first full day we were in Texas we made it down to South Padre and had lunch at Whataburger! It was amazing!! The week seemed to fly by and before we knew it, it was time to come back home.
The big news once we got home was Kevin got order for his A-School. It is basically a training school that will allow him to specify what his job will be for the Coast Guard. He is going OS, which is operation specialist. He will basically sit at a computer all day, which isn't as exciting as what he gets to do now, but he will get to come home every night! Kevin is very ready to leave Baltimore and continue on with his Coast Guard career so this is a great step in the right direction. He is a little indecisive when it comes to making a career out of the Coast Guard, but I have a feeling that when his contract is up in 5 years he will decide to find something else to do. He has always had his eye on joining the FBI, so that may be what he tries to achieve once he is able to. He is also thinking about going back to school to get his masters. I just love him so much and he makes me so proud!! :)
So with the big news of Kevin's orders, we found out we will be moving!! THANK GOD!!! Kevin will report to his school on October 18, 2009 and his graduation in March 4, 2010! He is going tobe gone for so long, it is gonna kill me! During this time I will be staying with my mom and sister in Huntsville, TX. I am hoping I will get to visit Kevin once a month in Petaluma, CA. Neither of us have been to California so we are looking at this as just another adventure we are getting to go on. At this point we are planning on leaving Baltimore on October 9th and driving to Texas for a few days and then continuing our trip to California. I will be back in Texas on October 18th and will be helping my grandparents with a junior league show on the 21st! No rest for me! Then for Halloween weekend we are having an EXIT reunion. This is where I worked all through college and I can not wait to see everyone again!
The end of June my mom and Lauren came up to visit. They were dying to see the house on the army base we had just moved into and were here for 10 days! It was so nice having them around. This was the second time they came up to visit us since we moved to Baltimore, and it was much warmer this time around! I am shocked at how my relationship with my mom has grown. I can honestly say she is one of my best friends and I deeply miss living close to her and the rest of my family. Lauren went to prom this year with her boyfriend who is a senior, so she brought me a picture which I have on my fridge. We didn't do as much sigh seeing this time around, but we did go to the Coast Guard base and got to take a ride on one of the boats. We alos found a state park in Annapolis (Sandy Point) that had a small beach, so we laid out and enjoyed the sun, water, and the interesting orange sand. It was sad when they had to go back home, but I was getting ready to start summer camp for work and it was time to get back to "real life".
On August 4th, Kevin and I finally made it down to Texas TOGETHER! I have been down a couple of times, but this was the first time since November 2008 that we both were in Texas. Kevin's cousin Aaron was getting married in San Antonio on August 8th so we flew into McAllen and got to spend time with our families in South Texas. We had a long list of the things we wanted to do and eat once we got back home! The first full day we were in Texas we made it down to South Padre and had lunch at Whataburger! It was amazing!! The week seemed to fly by and before we knew it, it was time to come back home.
The big news once we got home was Kevin got order for his A-School. It is basically a training school that will allow him to specify what his job will be for the Coast Guard. He is going OS, which is operation specialist. He will basically sit at a computer all day, which isn't as exciting as what he gets to do now, but he will get to come home every night! Kevin is very ready to leave Baltimore and continue on with his Coast Guard career so this is a great step in the right direction. He is a little indecisive when it comes to making a career out of the Coast Guard, but I have a feeling that when his contract is up in 5 years he will decide to find something else to do. He has always had his eye on joining the FBI, so that may be what he tries to achieve once he is able to. He is also thinking about going back to school to get his masters. I just love him so much and he makes me so proud!! :)
So with the big news of Kevin's orders, we found out we will be moving!! THANK GOD!!! Kevin will report to his school on October 18, 2009 and his graduation in March 4, 2010! He is going tobe gone for so long, it is gonna kill me! During this time I will be staying with my mom and sister in Huntsville, TX. I am hoping I will get to visit Kevin once a month in Petaluma, CA. Neither of us have been to California so we are looking at this as just another adventure we are getting to go on. At this point we are planning on leaving Baltimore on October 9th and driving to Texas for a few days and then continuing our trip to California. I will be back in Texas on October 18th and will be helping my grandparents with a junior league show on the 21st! No rest for me! Then for Halloween weekend we are having an EXIT reunion. This is where I worked all through college and I can not wait to see everyone again!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Wow...
So I have become very aware that I amprobably the worst blogger ever! I have not kept up with this very well, but with the craziness that comes with life, it is hard to sit down and make the time to write my thoughts.
Our main goal with this blog is to keep our family and friends up to date with what is going on in our newly married lives, espically since now we live 1500 miles away. So much has happened since I last wrote, but I will never remember it all! I guess I will touch on some key points.
First of all, I finally got a job. I am currently working with the howard county parks and recreation department. It was so nice to finally get a job and start working again. Although there are many days I wish I did not work, for the most part I am very thankful I get to work with kids which always seems to make me happy. Kevin is now fully qualified, and has begun his application for Officer Candidate School. This is pretty exciting, but a long process. I am ready for his to go to OCS, but at the same time he will be gone for nearly 4 1/2 months! We did move AGAIN! We are now on the army base, Fort George Meade. We LOVE our new house. It is in such a great location, nice neighbors, SAFE, and has grass!!!
Eli and Paige made it up here during spring break which was such a well-needed visit. I made it down to Texas at the end of January and around the beginning of May. It is always so nice to see everyone again, but it makes me so homesick! My mom and sister are trying to come up here mid-June and I can not wait! Kevin and I will be making the long drive back down to Texas the end of July/beginning of August for a two week vacation back home. We will be in the Valley, San Antonio, and Huntsville (and some other stops along the way). I can not wait to be able to see everyone and not feel so rushed.
As for now that seems to wrap up all the main things that have been going on (that I can think of). It is always a constant struggle to keep up with the hecticness of life, and Kevin and I are learning the importance of making time for eachother. Since we only see eachother every couple of days, the time we do have has to be utilized to the fullest! I think we are both extremely homesick and hope and pray that we get stationed back in Texas very soon! Hopefully I will have some pictures up soon of the new house, and of our latest adventures!
Our main goal with this blog is to keep our family and friends up to date with what is going on in our newly married lives, espically since now we live 1500 miles away. So much has happened since I last wrote, but I will never remember it all! I guess I will touch on some key points.
First of all, I finally got a job. I am currently working with the howard county parks and recreation department. It was so nice to finally get a job and start working again. Although there are many days I wish I did not work, for the most part I am very thankful I get to work with kids which always seems to make me happy. Kevin is now fully qualified, and has begun his application for Officer Candidate School. This is pretty exciting, but a long process. I am ready for his to go to OCS, but at the same time he will be gone for nearly 4 1/2 months! We did move AGAIN! We are now on the army base, Fort George Meade. We LOVE our new house. It is in such a great location, nice neighbors, SAFE, and has grass!!!
Eli and Paige made it up here during spring break which was such a well-needed visit. I made it down to Texas at the end of January and around the beginning of May. It is always so nice to see everyone again, but it makes me so homesick! My mom and sister are trying to come up here mid-June and I can not wait! Kevin and I will be making the long drive back down to Texas the end of July/beginning of August for a two week vacation back home. We will be in the Valley, San Antonio, and Huntsville (and some other stops along the way). I can not wait to be able to see everyone and not feel so rushed.
As for now that seems to wrap up all the main things that have been going on (that I can think of). It is always a constant struggle to keep up with the hecticness of life, and Kevin and I are learning the importance of making time for eachother. Since we only see eachother every couple of days, the time we do have has to be utilized to the fullest! I think we are both extremely homesick and hope and pray that we get stationed back in Texas very soon! Hopefully I will have some pictures up soon of the new house, and of our latest adventures!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Multiple Blessings
Sometimes it will hit me out of the blue that I am actually married and living in a completely different state! It is scary, but we are learning to take things day by day and make the best of it. I just recently read Multiple Blessings by Jon & Kate (the parents of twins and sextuplets). I love their show, but the book was something completely different. It was very faith based, and exactly what I needed. I have felt so far away from God, and after reading that book it has made me understand that I need to just let God take control. I am the type of person who wants to figure everything out and have a plan. That is just not realistic being a military wife, and I am learning that everything that has happened and will happen is in God's plan for us.
For the first time since we moved here in November, it is really beginning to feel like home. I have had the opportunity to meet several of the people Kevin works with, and I can gladly say that they are some of the most down to earth and fun people I have met. Since we have moved here, we have had the opportunity to hang out a couple of times, and each time I seem to meet one or two more people. This past weekend I was able to finally meet one of the other wives. She is the first I have met, and things just seemed to click! We have actually kept in touch since Saturday, and have plans to spend the afternoon together with her two year old son. This is such a big step for me, considering this is the first time I will be able to go hang out with someone without Kevin since we have moved.
One of the things I love the most about Kevin's shipmates is how active they are. We actually are all planning on going bowling tomorrow once they are get off. It is such a great way to meet all of them, get to know them a little better, and actually have some time outside of the house and around people!
For the first time since we moved here in November, it is really beginning to feel like home. I have had the opportunity to meet several of the people Kevin works with, and I can gladly say that they are some of the most down to earth and fun people I have met. Since we have moved here, we have had the opportunity to hang out a couple of times, and each time I seem to meet one or two more people. This past weekend I was able to finally meet one of the other wives. She is the first I have met, and things just seemed to click! We have actually kept in touch since Saturday, and have plans to spend the afternoon together with her two year old son. This is such a big step for me, considering this is the first time I will be able to go hang out with someone without Kevin since we have moved.
One of the things I love the most about Kevin's shipmates is how active they are. We actually are all planning on going bowling tomorrow once they are get off. It is such a great way to meet all of them, get to know them a little better, and actually have some time outside of the house and around people!
Monday, January 12, 2009
A few Pictures
Happy New Year! Our first as a married couple!
Liam, Me, and Kevin at Liberty
At the World War II Memorial- We miss Texas!!
Us at the Lincoln Monument. He is HUGE!!
Kevin and I in front of the White House (the back side)
All of us at the National Aquarium
Me, my mom, and Lauren in front of Charm City Cakes (yea... the one from Food Network!)
Our new home in Baltimore!
Kevin and I at his Coast Guard boot camp graduationLife in Baltimore
Well, as I am quickly realizing, I will never catch up on all the blogs I have missed out on, so I am going to just pick up where I left off. As you all know, Kevin and I currently moved to Baltimore, Maryland, nearly 1500 miles away from the safety of our family and friends. It has been a huge transition for the both of us, but for the first time in almost two months, today I have finally felt as though this is slowly but surely becoming our new home and that I am okay with that.
Over the past couple of weeks we have had a ton of family visiting, and today has been the first time in a little over two weeks that I have been home all alone again. My mom and sister came to visit, arriving Christmas Eve and leaving December 30th. We did so much while they were here, like finally visiting the National Aquarium and going to D.C. We also had a ton of fun playing my new Wii! It was so hard saying good bye to them, mainly since I do not know when I will get the chance to see them again. On December 30th, after my mom and sister left, Kevin's mom and brother Liam came to visit. Liam left January 8th, and after dropping him off at the airport I quickly realized that I am beginning to hate the airport more and more. It has become a place of goodbyes and heartache.
But besides the excitement of the holidays, Kevin and I are doing great. He basically works a shift similar to that of a fireman. He works two days on, then two days off, and works every other weekend. This makes time between the two of us scarce, but it also allows us to cherish that time together even more. We have become addicted to skiing/snowboarding. About an hour away from us in Pensylvania, there is a ski resort called Liberty. We have gone twice now and although I attempted snowboarding I failed misserably! We go with some of the guys Kevin works with, and so I am also getting to slowly meet and know them. Besides those outings, we typically stay close to home and try to just enjoy time with eachother.
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